if football were a shakespearean sport (in Db)

I jest hove a moment beefier the game will get underway so let me put my microphone about me neck and, yes, there she goes! It is a jolly high kick, making the birds fly just out of the way….”

 

by g. david schwartz

 

G’d day, gents and mydamns. We are gathered here to witness the flamdaneries of the ye ole’ Cincinnati Ben-gals and de de-trot Tigers, and ye know I been a little late to get to the kick ‘in place so I jest hove a moment beefier the game will get underway so let me put my microphone about me neck and, yes, there she goes! It is a jolly high kick, making the birds fly just out of the way.

Now, one, well I cannot see his numbor very well for the moment, but, oh. Okay there we go. Here we go, its number 78, which everybody knoss is Robert Red Wing. And, my, he certainty looks smashing in his blue and gold uniform. But unfortunately the poor lad is down there lying in a giant piddles of people and a patter of what we might call, as they do here in the southern states a “cluster fork?”

Well lads and lasses these American players are now in one of their famous puddles of Hud, I think the original name was huddle but I have no recognition that that be true.

Ahhh now I see. The game is leering as flies to wanton boys who ask who the gods of the game may be. But poor lad, the world. The world is strange by mutations. And as it seems life would not yield to age.

Now. They have gone again into one of their short meetings and, yes, now they all get out of the circle into a lines and the one person who is allowed to standup most of the time shouts at the top of his lungs something which sounds both strangely like and oddly like, “The rule in this realm, and the gored of state sustain. It did sound romantically like a play I once performed and I was just about to make a guess of which play it was when the crowd around me stated bleeping into horrendous cheers and my ears began to hurt so bad that I had to leave.

Well bonny homeland, I apologize for leaving but, as my mum always told me, “Keep your health and your health will keep you. So cheery’o. I will see you on the court and best of the gab to you. G; d nit all. And be good to all others.

Originally published:
Issue Fifty-Two
April 2008

 


G. David Schwartz – the former president of Seedhouse, the online interfaith committee. Schwartz is the author of A Jewish Appraisal of Dialogue. Currently a volunteer at Drake Hospital in Cincinnati, Schwartz continues to write. His new book, Midrash and Working Out Of The Book is now in stores.

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